Referrals

A tribute page to the greatest assistant greenskeeper that ever was

Carl Spackler

Great big gobbs of greasy grimey gopher guts. How about a nice cool drink...varmints..scum, slime, menace to the golfing industry. Your a disgrace and your varmints. Your one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat...........When I have been pushed..I think it's about time somebody teach these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society.....duuh. Come to Carl varmint. Come to Carl...uuhhhh, aahhh, aaahhh..OK, I guess we're playing for keeps now...I guess the kidding around it pretty much over...I guess it's just a matter now of pumping about 15,000 gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson is that it? I think it is.
Carl Spackler

What an incredible Cinderella story, this unknown comes outta no where to the lead the pack at Augusta. He's on his final hole, he's about 455 yards away...he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think. Oh he got all of that one! The crowd is standing on its feet, the normally reserved Augusta crowd, going wild, for this young Cinderella, he's come outta no where, he's got about 350 yards left, he's gonna hit about a 5 iron, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing...that's...Oh he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that, the crowd is just on its feet here, uh... He's the Cinderella boy, uh...tears in his eyes, I guess as he lines up his last shot, he's got about 195 yards left, he's got about a..it looks like he's got about an 8 iron. This crowd has gone deathly silent, the Cinderella story, outta no where, a former greenskeeper now..about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac-It's In The Hole! .........Carl Spackler

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet and get on a looper at a course in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself... Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes... the grace, bald....striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one..big hitter the Lama.....long, into a 10,000 foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga..gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say "Hey Lama, hey how about a little somthing, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that going for me..which is nice.

Carl Spackler

"I have to laugh because I've out finessed myself.

My foe, my enemy is an animal, and in order to conquer him I have to think like an animal and whenever possible to look like one. I gotta get inside this dudes pelt and crawl around for a couple of days. Who are the gopher's ally...his friends? The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit. I'm gonna use you two guys to do my dirty work for me..ha..ha..ha..ha..haii..a..hiii..aah..aah..ha..ha..oooh..aah..aah..aah..it's the gopher..ach..ach..ach.ach..ach..ach..aaaaach..ach..ach..ach..ach..ach..ooh..hiii..hiii..hiii"..........................

"Pay no attention to that bush moving over there by that tree, it's just a bush. Nothing to look twice at. Nothing to be alarmed about. This looks like it could be gravy. I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang..I think. ...Freeze Gopher!"

"Maaama...maahm..maahm...baaah....License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit..ever. They're like the Viet Cong..Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote."

"In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sarte, 'Au revoir, gopher'".

"Freeze Gopher"

EDITED OUT SCENE DIALOG; The scene takes place next to a large oak tree. Carl is holding a 6 pack of Budweiser in one hand and a gun in the other, and he says to himself.....

"I read somewhere once....I think it was Shakespear..that some people are born into greatness, other have it thrust upon them and others..they're just great..that's all."

Buddies for life

CARL- All right show yourself you little varmint

TY WEBB- Oh hi Carl, how ya doing? Mind if I play through?

C- Ah sure go right ahead, ya getting in a late 9 or somthing?

T- Yeah I'm just loosening up....

C- Was that your ball I heard rattling around here?

T- Yeah did you see my ball?

C-Titleist?

T- Yeah that's it

C- Right here

T- Is this your place Carl?

C- Yeah what do you think?

T- It's really, it's really awful

C- Well I have a lot of things on order, you know credit troubles. I'm an assistant greenskeeper, they say that doesn't mean anything ya know till I'm the head groundskeeper..

T- aah can you give me a ruling on this?

C- Well sit down, come on, make yourself at home

T- Nooo, I don't want to stick to anything

C- Here take this thing off here, this is dirty

T- Nah, don't go to too much trouble, please...

C- Here fire up

T- With my lips?

C- Yeah

T- I don't think so Carl. If I could just borrow a wedge or something and get right, you could open a curtain out there somewhere, I can get right out that window.

C- People say you know that I'm an idiot or something because all I do is cut lawns for a living ya know

T- No, people don't say that about you as far as you know

C- Well I'm working on it ya know so I don't ever have ya know..I'm gonna be the head greenskeeper hopefully within 6 years that's my schedule. But I'm studying a lot of this stuff so I know it, ya know like a ya know Chinch bugs, ya know..manganese..a lot of people don't even know what that is.

T- Great Carl, could I get a..

C- Nitrogen ya know

T- If you could just open a curtain or something over there, I can just get right outta here..

C- I invented my own kind of grass too did you know that? Look at this..this is registered Carl Spackler Bent.

T- Oh yeah, I, I, I've seen this before, I've played on this.

C- This is a hybrid. This is a cross ah Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and Northern California Sensemilia The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff here. Here, I've got pounds of this. Here.

T- Nooo No thank you...I don't I don't aah

C- Here why don't you have a little bit of this. I got the big Bob Marley joint look at this try this.

T- Carl I ah I really don't do this very often

C- Your gonna love this, this is dynamite hack, watch out for this.

T- Well maybe one drag and then I gotta go.

C- It's a littl harsh..here cannonball it, cannonball it right back and then one more time, he's right on top of it, cannonball, cannonball coming cannonball coming

T- NO!... Carl can I have a drop, just a drop myself...that's fine for me, that's good

C- Can I say something to you, Frank

T- Ty, Frank

C- You've been acting psychotic lately...what the hell why?

T- Well I've been a little under strain. I gotta play with Smails tomorrow..

C- Smails

T- Money mash no!

C- The thing to do with Smails is if he bothers you, I'll take care of him..all you got to do, you cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom, he'll never play golf again..

T- Carl..

C- Because he goes back and his weight displacement goes back and he stys there, all of the weight is on his right foot..he'll be pushing everything off to the right..he'll never come through on anything..he'll quit the game.

T- That would work and I'm gonna call you if I need that help

C- But seriously, no B.S. if you ever want to rap or anything, you know just get talk or just get weird with somebody you know buddies for life I think.

T- I'll drop by or you drop by my place any time.

C- What's you address over there...your over on Briar right?

T- Briar uh uh 2

C- You got a pool there?

T- We have a pond in the back, we have a pool and a pond, pond would be nice for you, natural spring

C- Oooh yeah or or the pool, the pond, anything would be good. Well I tell you what, I'm gonna clean this up

T- You go right ahead and clean up a little bit..looks fine to me..thanks for the dope. FORE!

Carl Spackler

Mrs. Crane I'm looking at you, you wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you, your a traaamp..ooh that was a good one..ooh...that was right where you wanted it.

Mrs. Crane..your a little monkey woman, you know that? Your a little monkey woman. Yeah your a lean, mean and I bet you're not too far in between are ya? How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my head...

I was unavoidably detained

Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, But If I kill all of the golfers, they're going to lock me up and throw away the key.

We can do that...we don't even have to have a reason. All right let's do the same thing but with gophers. It's not my fault nobody can understand what your saying.

Carl Spackler